Emotions

Some emotions can't be explained. And they are better enjoyed than explained. I jus saw a pic of my little nephew's first day @ school n I don't know why I had tears in my eyes :')

A Reunion....

It was a much awaited get together. Some of us hadn’t met or spoken to each other for years together. We had mostly lived a facebook life. Majority in the group were by now married and some had graduated to parenthood. It was a perfect occasion to meet the spouses of our dear friends and expand our friend circle. Some of us took turns to take the new born babies and walk around and play with them.

As we all sat around the table and were laughing aloud recollecting each one’s past, back from college days, my phone began to ring. It was her, my crush from college times. Her face lit my screen bright. She still looked the same. Prettier I felt. I had even forgotten she was on my contact list. Deep somewhere, I was always looking forward to meet her today during our get together.

I received the call and even before I could think of an appropriate line to talk, she asked me if I was already at the get together. She was late as always and lost, again as always. She wanted some directions to guide the auto guy. As I continued to guide her on the phone I quietly walked out of the restaurant as I knew she would be at the restaurant any time now. As we hung up, there she was dressed in her casual best and looking her perfect best getting down from the auto. She heaved a sigh of relief as she saw me.

I walked towards her and stretched my hand to greet her. I couldn’t help but complement her and as I was jus pulling her leg about how she still couldn’t manage to move around Bangalore even after all these years, she kind of gave me a cold shoulder when she said “I did a mistake calling you of all people!!!”  It took me a moment to digest that comment, but as we continued to walk our conversations were pretty formal. As we walked together towards the restaurant we did raise some eyebrows in the group which instantly gave room to some hushing and gossip. And we both knew what it was all about.

She quickly got absorbed with her group of friends and so did I. I quickly got pulled aside by my group of close friends who wanted to know what I was hiding from them. Considering my silent history they refused to believe me when I laughed at all their questions. They refused to buy the story that it was after several years I was ever meeting her or let alone speakin to her.

It was one long dinner and we all exchanged pleasantries and sure had one of the most memorable time.  After having spent almost 4 hours at the restaurant we thought it was time to wind up as it was getting late. Especially for the girls who had come by themselves.  As expected most guys came forward to offer the girls a lift back home. As we all started moving out of the restaurant in smaller groups it was a long walk towards the parking lot. While I was thinking hard whether or not to offer her a lift, one of the couples in the group offered to drop her home.

People slowly started to take leave and as few of us were standing by our vehicles and speaking, we found a person walking towards us in the dark. As that person approached us and into the light we realized that was a eunuch. As expected that person refused to leave us alone and started to strike a conversation with some of the guys. As this was happening, this person for a moment laid eyes on her and as this person took a step towards her and tried to grab her hand, quick on her feet she ran towards me though I was a few steps away from her. She instantly took cover behind me and in the process tightly clasping her hands against my arms. Her tight grip made me realize her insecurity, her fear. Sensing the mood and try to calm her I gently placed my right palm over her hands trying to reassure her all is fine. This is when she gently cuddled me from behind and rested her head against my back.

In the meantime my friends had managed to get rid of that eunuch and soon everyone’s eyes turned on us. She was still oblivious of what was happening and was tightly holding on to me. As I looked around I saw some wicked smiles on few of my friend’s faces. Trying not to make it anymore awkward, I told her everything is fine and was trying to calm her. She looked shaken. And then came the most unexpected thing after that, when she asked me if I could drop her back home?

To be Contd....

The Good Samaritan

Couple of weeks ago, I Googled for the symptoms of depression and found the below

- Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
- Becoming withdrawn or isolated
- Difficulty concentrating
- Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
- Fatigue and lack of energy
- Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
- Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
- Thoughts of death or suicide
- Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping

And I ve had all the above symptoms in the recent past and the very thought of being depressed was even more depressing.

Guess the first step towards changing something is acknowledging that there is an issue in hand. And once you have accepted that, you are more prepared to work on it. Undoubtedly the biggest damage inflicting characteristic of depression is becoming withdrawn/isolated and feeling worthless/hopeless. And so I thought let’s address the very basic issue in hand. And hence arose The Good Samaritan in me.

But life makes some cruel jokes out of good people and here are a couple of such incidents.

I had just parked my vehicle and was walking towards the restaurant, when I saw this elderly person in his car trying to park his car in front of this gate. I felt old age must have made this person irrational. Once the car was parked, as this guy stepped out I casually walked up to him and in a very polite voice said “I don’t think you should park your car in front of the gate. What if that person needs to get his car out?”

I was aghast when I heard his reply. Without sounding least apologetic about his uncivil behavior, he replied “I don’t think they will have a problem”

I gave him that “do you know what you are speaking” kinds of look to which he responded by holding me around his arm and patting me gently and saying “This is my house.”

So much for being nice!!!

On a different occasion, I was stepping out this ATM and it was kind of late that nite. As I was stepping out there was this lady who was fanatically making calls on her mobile and looked disturbed. A quick glance at the area around her and I figured out her reason for anxiety. For a moment I had second thoughts if I should really offer her help as I was not sure how she would foresee my gesture and worse still whether it was a trap being laid for someone vulnerable stepping out of the ATM after withdrawing money.

But then I didn't care as I had gone to the ATM to jus’ drop a cheque and was hardly carrying any cash and had nothing valuable with me and as if I cared a lot for my life. I cleared my throat and gathered the courage and walked up to her and asked if I could be of her help. For a moment she was taken by surprise and took her a couple of seconds for the situation to sink in. She was excited. And while she narrated her episode in length, I was lost. No doubt some women speak a lot.

It took me well over 30 mins to replace the flat tyre. And jus’ as I was done and got up on my toes, she opened the car door and pulled out her bag and started digging frantically into it. Knowing what the next scene is going to be and trying to avoid the embarrassment I said “You don’t have to pay me, I didn't do this for money.” She laughed. And yes that was embarrassing. She said “No!!! I had few wet tissues in the bag, I was trying to get that for you” as she glanced towards my soiled hands.

I guess that was me jus’ being me. Dumb!!!!

The Year 2012

It’s been a year of apocalypse.  There were times when I wished for the Nostradamus Prophesies to come true. The world would ve escaped the Mayan Calendar D-Day, but the year 2012 was in every sense a year of personal cataclysms.

Professionally too it’s been a year I would like to forget and hope I never ever have such a stint again in my career. It was a long drawn skirmish all in vain. Not sure if I would ve dealt with the situation differently if things were balanced on the personal front. But the fact is after reaching the peak, sometimes you ve to fall and the fall is sure painful. Now from where I stand, I see a larger cliff to scale and the road just got more treacherous.

Interestingly it also happens to be a year, where I have not made a single new friend in life. Not jus’ that, it’s also a year where my friends list got right sized. My world became a much smaller place. And without doubt they ve been my strength during my moments of paleness. I have had people who have just held my hand and not spoken a word but maybe that’s all I needed. Friends who never ever asked me “for what?” or “but why?” or “when?”  But just stood beside me.  So here is a big thanks to all you guys.

It’s also been a year to taste hard realities of life. To travel “Cattle Class”, to starve, to realize how valuable money is. Never before in life had I ever imagined I could. But yes, I travelled in a General Compartment Sleeping on the floor in our very own Indian Railways. A bitter reality of life, that it is not always serene. There exists a world where people fight to survive. Life is a melee. A year, where I realized the value of food and took a vow to minimize wasting food.

On a happier note, it’s the year when finally my good friend Rakesh found his partner for life. A wedding we all thoroughly enjoyed.  Congrats to the newlywed couple.

It’s a year when someone came around to proudly claim the youngest cousin title. Those were wonderful moments to hold a new born.

So as 2012 comes to a grinding halt, I quote…
“The journey I'm taking is inside me. Just like blood travels down veins, what I'm seeing is my inner self and what seems threatening is just the echo of the fear in my heart.”
― Haruki Murakami,

A Potrait of Mine by.......

It was one of those days when you are having a bad day at work and are jus' at the end of your wits. And then you see your mobile light up with a new incoming mail  notification.
And I open to see the mail and it instantly brought a big smile to my face and it was a different day after that. Some people really make your life worth living.
This is what the mail had. A sketch of mine by none other than Aman.
I wanted to cherish this moment all my life and so here it is rightly on my blog.

Today also happens to be the Birthday of my pretty little sister(cousin) Sidfa. So here is wishin you many many very many happy returns of the day. I know you don't read my blog. You are still too young. But I am sure someday you will, and I hope this post will bring a smile on your face.
My mom often asks me why I often fight with you and trouble you so much when I am with you. And the answer is pretty simple. I have always wanted and wished to have a younger sister whom I can pamper and somehow you perfectly fill in that void. You will always remain be a special little sister.

It's been a while since I ve blogged. Many of you ve been complainin about not being able to reach me on phone/IM/SocialMedia. I have been quite disconnected from the social space of late. Barring twitter I am literally off all social networking sites.  Guess it's going to remain the same going forward. But yes, I hope to at least get regular with my blog. For my blog has always been about me, my life, my thoughts. my space, my life and my love.

Something What I live by..

My No(n) Veg Dinner

Fazal is synonymous to non-vegetarian. There is hardly been a meal which has been vegetarian in my life. And people who know me well, will vouch by this.
Just yesterday somehow mom managed to convince me for a "STRICTLY VEG" dinner and so it was decided I would  get the parcel on my way back home.

So once at the restaurant, after staring hard at the Veg Section of the Menu for nearly 10 minutes, finally decided to order "Veg-Kolapuri". Placed an order and waited for my food. And in about 15 minutes my food was ready and I headed home.

Cribbing I sat on the dinner table and just when mom was about to serve me the gravy, she was like "FAZAL!!!! What did you order???" With a regret in my voice, I said "VEG-Kolapuri". And then she lifted a piece of chicken from the container and gave me that, is this veg kinda look??
I was aghast. Hell shocked!!!! Even the heavens conspired and here I am, again eating Non-Veg.
It was purely no(n) veg food for dinner