The Good Samaritan

Couple of weeks ago, I Googled for the symptoms of depression and found the below

- Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
- Becoming withdrawn or isolated
- Difficulty concentrating
- Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
- Fatigue and lack of energy
- Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
- Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
- Thoughts of death or suicide
- Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping

And I ve had all the above symptoms in the recent past and the very thought of being depressed was even more depressing.

Guess the first step towards changing something is acknowledging that there is an issue in hand. And once you have accepted that, you are more prepared to work on it. Undoubtedly the biggest damage inflicting characteristic of depression is becoming withdrawn/isolated and feeling worthless/hopeless. And so I thought let’s address the very basic issue in hand. And hence arose The Good Samaritan in me.

But life makes some cruel jokes out of good people and here are a couple of such incidents.

I had just parked my vehicle and was walking towards the restaurant, when I saw this elderly person in his car trying to park his car in front of this gate. I felt old age must have made this person irrational. Once the car was parked, as this guy stepped out I casually walked up to him and in a very polite voice said “I don’t think you should park your car in front of the gate. What if that person needs to get his car out?”

I was aghast when I heard his reply. Without sounding least apologetic about his uncivil behavior, he replied “I don’t think they will have a problem”

I gave him that “do you know what you are speaking” kinds of look to which he responded by holding me around his arm and patting me gently and saying “This is my house.”

So much for being nice!!!

On a different occasion, I was stepping out this ATM and it was kind of late that nite. As I was stepping out there was this lady who was fanatically making calls on her mobile and looked disturbed. A quick glance at the area around her and I figured out her reason for anxiety. For a moment I had second thoughts if I should really offer her help as I was not sure how she would foresee my gesture and worse still whether it was a trap being laid for someone vulnerable stepping out of the ATM after withdrawing money.

But then I didn't care as I had gone to the ATM to jus’ drop a cheque and was hardly carrying any cash and had nothing valuable with me and as if I cared a lot for my life. I cleared my throat and gathered the courage and walked up to her and asked if I could be of her help. For a moment she was taken by surprise and took her a couple of seconds for the situation to sink in. She was excited. And while she narrated her episode in length, I was lost. No doubt some women speak a lot.

It took me well over 30 mins to replace the flat tyre. And jus’ as I was done and got up on my toes, she opened the car door and pulled out her bag and started digging frantically into it. Knowing what the next scene is going to be and trying to avoid the embarrassment I said “You don’t have to pay me, I didn't do this for money.” She laughed. And yes that was embarrassing. She said “No!!! I had few wet tissues in the bag, I was trying to get that for you” as she glanced towards my soiled hands.

I guess that was me jus’ being me. Dumb!!!!

The Year 2012

It’s been a year of apocalypse.  There were times when I wished for the Nostradamus Prophesies to come true. The world would ve escaped the Mayan Calendar D-Day, but the year 2012 was in every sense a year of personal cataclysms.

Professionally too it’s been a year I would like to forget and hope I never ever have such a stint again in my career. It was a long drawn skirmish all in vain. Not sure if I would ve dealt with the situation differently if things were balanced on the personal front. But the fact is after reaching the peak, sometimes you ve to fall and the fall is sure painful. Now from where I stand, I see a larger cliff to scale and the road just got more treacherous.

Interestingly it also happens to be a year, where I have not made a single new friend in life. Not jus’ that, it’s also a year where my friends list got right sized. My world became a much smaller place. And without doubt they ve been my strength during my moments of paleness. I have had people who have just held my hand and not spoken a word but maybe that’s all I needed. Friends who never ever asked me “for what?” or “but why?” or “when?”  But just stood beside me.  So here is a big thanks to all you guys.

It’s also been a year to taste hard realities of life. To travel “Cattle Class”, to starve, to realize how valuable money is. Never before in life had I ever imagined I could. But yes, I travelled in a General Compartment Sleeping on the floor in our very own Indian Railways. A bitter reality of life, that it is not always serene. There exists a world where people fight to survive. Life is a melee. A year, where I realized the value of food and took a vow to minimize wasting food.

On a happier note, it’s the year when finally my good friend Rakesh found his partner for life. A wedding we all thoroughly enjoyed.  Congrats to the newlywed couple.

It’s a year when someone came around to proudly claim the youngest cousin title. Those were wonderful moments to hold a new born.

So as 2012 comes to a grinding halt, I quote…
“The journey I'm taking is inside me. Just like blood travels down veins, what I'm seeing is my inner self and what seems threatening is just the echo of the fear in my heart.”
― Haruki Murakami,

A Potrait of Mine by.......

It was one of those days when you are having a bad day at work and are jus' at the end of your wits. And then you see your mobile light up with a new incoming mail  notification.
And I open to see the mail and it instantly brought a big smile to my face and it was a different day after that. Some people really make your life worth living.
This is what the mail had. A sketch of mine by none other than Aman.
I wanted to cherish this moment all my life and so here it is rightly on my blog.

Today also happens to be the Birthday of my pretty little sister(cousin) Sidfa. So here is wishin you many many very many happy returns of the day. I know you don't read my blog. You are still too young. But I am sure someday you will, and I hope this post will bring a smile on your face.
My mom often asks me why I often fight with you and trouble you so much when I am with you. And the answer is pretty simple. I have always wanted and wished to have a younger sister whom I can pamper and somehow you perfectly fill in that void. You will always remain be a special little sister.

It's been a while since I ve blogged. Many of you ve been complainin about not being able to reach me on phone/IM/SocialMedia. I have been quite disconnected from the social space of late. Barring twitter I am literally off all social networking sites.  Guess it's going to remain the same going forward. But yes, I hope to at least get regular with my blog. For my blog has always been about me, my life, my thoughts. my space, my life and my love.

Something What I live by..

My No(n) Veg Dinner

Fazal is synonymous to non-vegetarian. There is hardly been a meal which has been vegetarian in my life. And people who know me well, will vouch by this.
Just yesterday somehow mom managed to convince me for a "STRICTLY VEG" dinner and so it was decided I would  get the parcel on my way back home.

So once at the restaurant, after staring hard at the Veg Section of the Menu for nearly 10 minutes, finally decided to order "Veg-Kolapuri". Placed an order and waited for my food. And in about 15 minutes my food was ready and I headed home.

Cribbing I sat on the dinner table and just when mom was about to serve me the gravy, she was like "FAZAL!!!! What did you order???" With a regret in my voice, I said "VEG-Kolapuri". And then she lifted a piece of chicken from the container and gave me that, is this veg kinda look??
I was aghast. Hell shocked!!!! Even the heavens conspired and here I am, again eating Non-Veg.
It was purely no(n) veg food for dinner

A purpose, A story

The Chirping birds, the piercing winds, the incessant drizzle,
A cliff so high, A gorge so deep, there I was standing in a fizzle.

A purpose in mind, a story to put behind.
I stood there, looking back in time.

A lonely life, A lonely thought, that’s all I had brought.
A lonely presence....
Searching for answers, my life, my essence.
For sometimes I feel no one understands me,
But then what have I been to them?

The strong gust of breeze, was making me freeze
My body so weak, that I was beginning to feel meek.
Time kept ticking and my body kept sinking
With thoughts flowing swift, my mind was beginning to rift.

A purpose in mind, a story to put behind.
I stood there, living back in time.

If there was a king who turned things into gold, everything he touched,
There was me, who lost everything that he loved.
A life of failure, keeps you busy learning
But a life of solitude, leaves you yearning.

Every step that I took in life, took me places
At every step I kept meeting new faces.
Some left soon, others drifted as I walked along.
Few always stay in my heart, where they truly belong.

As the skies opened to pour, I was sinking in my own hour.
With not a soul around, I was quickly losing ground.
As the skies began to thunder, I felt a tremble.
Bright lightning from the skies, steady flow of tears from my eyes.

A lost love, A lost friend, A lost soul
My life was all smelling foul.
Life by itself cannot be unfair, but I have come this far
And seen nothing but mar

A purpose in mind, a story to put behind.
Time for me to put this to an end.

As I take a plunge into the deep abyss,
It was my last attempt to end a void.
As nature opens her arm to welcome me,
I felt the rush through my veins, as if someone putting an end to my reign.
A silent tear, A silent prayer.

A purpose in mind, a story to put behind.
An era put to an end.

-fzl

Heads or Tails?

Someone recently asked me "If you have to decide between the person whom you love or the pain caused by the same person, would you let go the person for all the pain caused or hold on to the person you love?"
My answer was simple... Easier said I know. But I am sure each one makes a decision at some stage or other in their lives.
My answer was "If letting go that one person causes more pain than the pain in itself, I think you have your answer"..