Wish....

The picture above and the post below are totally non related. But yes both are pretty much what I miss!!!

Often we feel bad for people who shed their tears and we go all the way to comfort them and make them feel happy. I remember I am someone who often dons the monkey cap whenever someone sheds their tears. Generally I am good at making up people’s mood when they are low or sad. Often I am good at wiping someone’s tears.  Not as easy as it sounds, just a box full of tissues will not suffice; it takes a lot more than that. Basically that someone has to place their trust on you! And you need to have the heart to listen patiently and not be judgmental.

When I think of it, blessed are those who can cry without any inhibitions and let their feelings go. For ask someone who has just cried their heart out, their heart often feels light.

Cursed are those who cannot shed a tear!!! Often in life some of us are required to put a valiant face, laugh, go around playing the role of clown just so that you can bring a smile on the other persons face.  Not just that, you also know there are also a set of people who are waiting to feast on your tears and rejoice.
All along we battle with ourselves and each moment fight firm so that we can just hold back our tears. You long for a moment of solitude so that you can shed your tears in silence. But alas, you are so used to holding back your tears, that even in solitude your tear glands deceive you.

That’s when you silently wish, “Wish you could cry loud so that for once you can smile genuinely!!!”

A Confused Post.....

The most painful feeling in life is undoubtedly loneliness. Unfortunate is a person who is blessed with everything in life but always finds oneself alone, all alone.

It’s a nice feeling as I sit beside the window with the door ajar late in the night when the rest of the world is fast asleep. I hear the sound of rain outside; I sense the freshness in the air. I look besides me, and it’s a book that’s keeping me company since the last few days. I reach out; stretch my hand in the rain and rejoice the moment. As I stare into the darkness that has engulfed the night. I don’t know why there are these tears that make my eyes moist. Often my thoughts overwhelm my eyes, not sure if it’s the darkness that I am scared of or my thoughts that often drown me?

A Reunion.... Contd Part3 Conculding

Part1/Recap
Part2/Recap


The maid opened the door for us and told us the kid was fast asleep and the lady went into her room to sleep.

So she walked me to her room to show me her little princess who was all neatly draped with only her face left exposed. I badly wanted to hold her in my arms and hug her tight.

Seeing the anticipation on my face,

“I know what you are thinking! Don’t even think about it now!!! If ever she wakes up now, she will wake up the whole neighbourhood.”
On seeing me go pale and disenchanted, she continued.

“Okay.. You can give her a light peck. But please don’t wake her”
...
Not wanting to wake up the baby we stepped out of the room and she offered to make me a cup of coffee. We were always coffee addicts who would never turn down a coffee offer no matter what time of the day.

Her house being on the 18th floor I was standing out at the balcony and savouring the view, this is when she entered with the coffee.

“I do this every night. Stand here with my coffee till it’s very late night”

“It’s sure a great view you have from up here”

“I don’t stand here to enjoy the view; I stand here every night thinking about my daughter”

As I looked on, she continued
“I am scared. It’s really not easy being a single mom.  I’ve seen enough in the last couple of years. I was glad my parents were around, else I wouldn’t ve made this far. My little one is my forte.”

It was an uncomfortable moment; I sure wanted to know what had happened. But then I didn’t want to probe. I knew it was not the right moment either.
But she began to narrate her story as she stared hard into the distance. And I stood still listing to her misfortunes. At one point there were tears fast rolling from her eyes and this time around I didn’t stop her. I continued to listen.

Soon she broke down and leaning against the  balcony front railings she started weeping like a little one.

Now I knew from whom her kid had got the habit.

Not sure how to react, I had to first let go my inhibitions.

I slowly walked up to her and gently moved the hair off her face and slid it behind her ears. And it sure was not a pretty sight. As I quietly rested my chin on her shoulder from behind and tried to speak into her ears , she turned around and gave me that one tight hug.

I didn’t know what to say nor did I know how to console her. Usually I am good with words, but sometimes silence speaks a lot more. I just held her tight and that’s the best I could do. As she was still firm in my arms, all events from today started to make sense to me. I realized how scared she was in life and how insecure she felt at every stage.

It was one long night; we spent the entire night sitting in that balcony speaking in length about our lives. We also relished the beautiful sun rise early morning. In fact we were so intensely immersed in our conversation; we didn’t even hear the little one crying. The maid had to come around and let us know.

It was breakfast time and I was busy playing with the kid, while her mother was busy cooking breakfast for us.
This is when the maid came by and said
“I have never seen her so happy ever since this little one was born. In fact today is the first day she has even entered the kitchen to cook breakfast. How do you know her?”
I had to go around enlightening her of all things about me and us. And then once she had gathered necessary information about me, the maid left us alone. But she insisted I visit them more often going forward.

For once it was a nice feeling, that even I could be the reason for bringing back someone’s lost smile.

After our breakfast, it was time for me to take leave. I had for once forgotten that I didn’t actually belong or live there.

As I was about to take leave
“Can I ask you something?” she muttered.

As I raised my eyebrow and gave her that what is it kinda looks. I feared for a moment.

“Find someone soon. A person in front of whom you can cry and pout out your feelings. Else I fear I ll lose a good friend forever”

We both knew what she meant.

“And ya, please don’t stop blogging or writing. I always at least once a week visit your page.. Promise me you will always write..”

………
As I took leave that day, I decided I should pen this and so started writing. And so here I am sitting in front of my laptop with my coffee next to me as it rain outsides. And when those droplets of rain fall on me through the window I am reminded of her tears which are still fresh on me.

Happy Birthday Fazluu....

Happy Birthday Fazlu....

And as the clock strikes 00:00:00hrs I turn 30 today!!!! And here I am sitting with my laptop blogging. Sure must be one of a birthday celebration. Sitting in front of system  all day.

Fazlu? Nope, it’s not a new family of Aalu (the Hindi word for Potato) though physically I might have some resemblance to that vegetable. Nor is it any telugu word. Yes add 'alu' to most words and you are already speaking Telugu.
Then you must be wondering what is this 'Fazlu'?
That's how one of my distant uncle had jus' couple of days back addressed me when I had greeted him on his birthday. And I somehow liked the way it sounded when he said that...

So, that’s one long innings. When I turned 20 from 19 a decade ago it was a great feeling. Today when I turn 30 from 29, I suddenly feel old.  Every morning when I stand in front of the mirror jus’ before leaving for office, all the grey hair strands remind me I am fast aging. Not to forget my ever so fast receding hair line which adds may be another couple of virtual years to my actual age. So much for looks.

So what about life?

As a son?

People often get better with age, but I guess it’s been the opposite with me. The best example was when jus’ the other day during one of the conversations, mom told me that, She was a lot happier when I was a kid! I used to be every moms’ envy.  She didn’t have to worry about me. But these days I cause her more anxiety and pain and she is always worried. To the extent that she is simply scared to leave me alone these days. For someone who has lived a good portion of her life for me, when you see her in tears and you know you re the reason behind it that’s when you regret the 30 long years you’ve lived.

As a brother?

Another pillar of my strength, my sister! The one person I run to every time I need something. The only person on my chat list these days. If even I can be half as good as she is with me, I would be the world’s best brother. And that’s a title I will never even come close to.

Being that special someone?

This is one part of my life which I wouldn’t even want to get into now. Probably, one of the biggest failures of my life. I ve failed miserably. I always felt and was told I would always make a good partner. Not until I realized how bad I can be and how suffocated someone could be in my presence.  Let me not even get there! This is when I am happy for all those people who for whatever reasons were not able to be part of my life.  I am so glad they are at least leading a better life.

As a professional?

Minus the last couple of years, I ve probably had a great stint at my career. Not sure but for some reason the last couple of years have been very depressing at the career front too.

As a friend?

The people who make me feel good these days are my friends. May be because I am a good listener by nature and can really keep things to myself, My friends pour in with their darkest secrets and tell it all. Often people keep running into me for advices when it comes to relationship issues and career counseling.  I tell them, of all people I am the wrong person considering my every own example of failure. But still they insist. Not sure if what I tell them works for them or do they even follow it, but they always come back to me. Makes me all the more curious because nothing ever worked for me :)
Or it’s jus that they wanted someone to listen to them and I am always there.

These days I feel I should probably take up Professional Counseling as Full time Career. I already enjoy a good client base. But maybe they come to me cos I don’t charge them. The moment I start to charge them, I am sure they ll be super charged to run away from me.

Ummm…..
So that’s 30years of my life achievements in random. No reasons to feel proud and nothing to celebrate.
But of course, I need to thank one and all who have made me what I am today. For all your support and patience. For always being there for me. For standing by me.  Thanks, thanks a ton.You all have shaped my life in one way or the other..

So here’s me wishing myself, a very happy birthday….. Year 2013 April 18

It’s been more than a year since I last posed exclusively in front of a camera or had a pic of mine taken. Just last week I had some snaps taken. So I felt it’s time to upload the latest version of me on this very day.

A Reunion.... Contd Part2

Part1/Recap

She was as such pretty shaken by tonight’s incident, and I could see the chill wind was making her freeze. That’s when I took off my jacket and wrapped it around her and at that moment when our eyes met I sensed the warmth and care the two of us had enjoyed between us was never lost even after all these years. We still cared the same if not any more for each other.

There was a long silence between us as we were driving back. She was holding me tight from behind with her hands around my waist and resting her face against my back. As we continued driving back she asked me if ever I expected her at the reunion today. To which I said, I was hoping that she would come. And I guess that’s the only dialogue we exchanged the entire distance apart from me enquiring the route to her home.

As I pulled my bike in front of her apartment she got down and tightly wrapped her arms around my jacket which she was now wearing. It was indeed cold. And then came the next unexpected thing from her. She asked me if I was in a hurry to get back home.  I was home alone and so I really had no better work.

She suggested we walk down a couple of lanes to a coffee shop nearby.  The two of us often used to go on long walks during college days. I guess it was during those long walks we got to know each other better. I have always enjoyed long walks, and if there was one person who equally enjoyed walking just as much as I, it was always her.  Our conversations since those very days used to be very mature ones. She was one of those rare gifted one’s - a beauty with brains. I still remember each time she was upset she would call me for a walk. And by the end of the walk we would ve put all our qualms behind us.

“Thinking about our college days” she asked.

“How did you guess”

“You ve been silent for quite some time, normally you talk a lot when we walk”

Trying to change the topic and not wanting to get dragged into our college day conversations, I smiled and said,

“It’s been almost 5 years since we last met each other and I was thinking nothing has really changed between us."

She burst out laughing, “You sure nothing has changed???”

Sure lots of things have changed since then. She had got married; she is a mom now, and yes she had just separated from her husband and was now staying with her daughter. And I was married too and living a broken marriage. As I looked confused not sure what she was inferring, she gently pushed her hand around my hand and slid her fingers between my fingers and gently clenched onto it and said “Now!!! Nothing has changed!!!”

She didn’t stop, she continued “You must be wondering why am I acting this way rite?”

I stopped to walk, I turned towards her our hands still holding, “I ve known you for long and I know when something is worrying you. And you very well know I will never ask you and will wait for that moment when you are going to tell me all. And I am sensing that moment is now”

The moment I finish my statement tears fast started rolling down her cheeks.

Sensing we were out on the street and the situation could turn awkward if someone saw us, I made her aware of our surrounding and she was able to gather herself back.

As we continued our walk towards the coffee shop I kept her engrossed in a conversation about her kid. And like all mom’s she had so much to say about her little daughter that our entire conversation for the reminder of the walk and at the coffee shop and the walk back was all about her kid.

As we approached her apartment it was already past mid night now. And as we were still discussing about her little one, out of nowhere came the next unexpected.

“Do you wanna meet my little one? I know how much you love kids. Wanna come in and meet her?  I am sure you will love her.”

To be Contd....

Emotions

Some emotions can't be explained. And they are better enjoyed than explained. I jus saw a pic of my little nephew's first day @ school n I don't know why I had tears in my eyes :')

A Reunion....

It was a much awaited get together. Some of us hadn’t met or spoken to each other for years together. We had mostly lived a facebook life. Majority in the group were by now married and some had graduated to parenthood. It was a perfect occasion to meet the spouses of our dear friends and expand our friend circle. Some of us took turns to take the new born babies and walk around and play with them.

As we all sat around the table and were laughing aloud recollecting each one’s past, back from college days, my phone began to ring. It was her, my crush from college times. Her face lit my screen bright. She still looked the same. Prettier I felt. I had even forgotten she was on my contact list. Deep somewhere, I was always looking forward to meet her today during our get together.

I received the call and even before I could think of an appropriate line to talk, she asked me if I was already at the get together. She was late as always and lost, again as always. She wanted some directions to guide the auto guy. As I continued to guide her on the phone I quietly walked out of the restaurant as I knew she would be at the restaurant any time now. As we hung up, there she was dressed in her casual best and looking her perfect best getting down from the auto. She heaved a sigh of relief as she saw me.

I walked towards her and stretched my hand to greet her. I couldn’t help but complement her and as I was jus pulling her leg about how she still couldn’t manage to move around Bangalore even after all these years, she kind of gave me a cold shoulder when she said “I did a mistake calling you of all people!!!”  It took me a moment to digest that comment, but as we continued to walk our conversations were pretty formal. As we walked together towards the restaurant we did raise some eyebrows in the group which instantly gave room to some hushing and gossip. And we both knew what it was all about.

She quickly got absorbed with her group of friends and so did I. I quickly got pulled aside by my group of close friends who wanted to know what I was hiding from them. Considering my silent history they refused to believe me when I laughed at all their questions. They refused to buy the story that it was after several years I was ever meeting her or let alone speakin to her.

It was one long dinner and we all exchanged pleasantries and sure had one of the most memorable time.  After having spent almost 4 hours at the restaurant we thought it was time to wind up as it was getting late. Especially for the girls who had come by themselves.  As expected most guys came forward to offer the girls a lift back home. As we all started moving out of the restaurant in smaller groups it was a long walk towards the parking lot. While I was thinking hard whether or not to offer her a lift, one of the couples in the group offered to drop her home.

People slowly started to take leave and as few of us were standing by our vehicles and speaking, we found a person walking towards us in the dark. As that person approached us and into the light we realized that was a eunuch. As expected that person refused to leave us alone and started to strike a conversation with some of the guys. As this was happening, this person for a moment laid eyes on her and as this person took a step towards her and tried to grab her hand, quick on her feet she ran towards me though I was a few steps away from her. She instantly took cover behind me and in the process tightly clasping her hands against my arms. Her tight grip made me realize her insecurity, her fear. Sensing the mood and try to calm her I gently placed my right palm over her hands trying to reassure her all is fine. This is when she gently cuddled me from behind and rested her head against my back.

In the meantime my friends had managed to get rid of that eunuch and soon everyone’s eyes turned on us. She was still oblivious of what was happening and was tightly holding on to me. As I looked around I saw some wicked smiles on few of my friend’s faces. Trying not to make it anymore awkward, I told her everything is fine and was trying to calm her. She looked shaken. And then came the most unexpected thing after that, when she asked me if I could drop her back home?

To be Contd....

The Good Samaritan

Couple of weeks ago, I Googled for the symptoms of depression and found the below

- Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
- Becoming withdrawn or isolated
- Difficulty concentrating
- Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
- Fatigue and lack of energy
- Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
- Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed
- Thoughts of death or suicide
- Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping

And I ve had all the above symptoms in the recent past and the very thought of being depressed was even more depressing.

Guess the first step towards changing something is acknowledging that there is an issue in hand. And once you have accepted that, you are more prepared to work on it. Undoubtedly the biggest damage inflicting characteristic of depression is becoming withdrawn/isolated and feeling worthless/hopeless. And so I thought let’s address the very basic issue in hand. And hence arose The Good Samaritan in me.

But life makes some cruel jokes out of good people and here are a couple of such incidents.

I had just parked my vehicle and was walking towards the restaurant, when I saw this elderly person in his car trying to park his car in front of this gate. I felt old age must have made this person irrational. Once the car was parked, as this guy stepped out I casually walked up to him and in a very polite voice said “I don’t think you should park your car in front of the gate. What if that person needs to get his car out?”

I was aghast when I heard his reply. Without sounding least apologetic about his uncivil behavior, he replied “I don’t think they will have a problem”

I gave him that “do you know what you are speaking” kinds of look to which he responded by holding me around his arm and patting me gently and saying “This is my house.”

So much for being nice!!!

On a different occasion, I was stepping out this ATM and it was kind of late that nite. As I was stepping out there was this lady who was fanatically making calls on her mobile and looked disturbed. A quick glance at the area around her and I figured out her reason for anxiety. For a moment I had second thoughts if I should really offer her help as I was not sure how she would foresee my gesture and worse still whether it was a trap being laid for someone vulnerable stepping out of the ATM after withdrawing money.

But then I didn't care as I had gone to the ATM to jus’ drop a cheque and was hardly carrying any cash and had nothing valuable with me and as if I cared a lot for my life. I cleared my throat and gathered the courage and walked up to her and asked if I could be of her help. For a moment she was taken by surprise and took her a couple of seconds for the situation to sink in. She was excited. And while she narrated her episode in length, I was lost. No doubt some women speak a lot.

It took me well over 30 mins to replace the flat tyre. And jus’ as I was done and got up on my toes, she opened the car door and pulled out her bag and started digging frantically into it. Knowing what the next scene is going to be and trying to avoid the embarrassment I said “You don’t have to pay me, I didn't do this for money.” She laughed. And yes that was embarrassing. She said “No!!! I had few wet tissues in the bag, I was trying to get that for you” as she glanced towards my soiled hands.

I guess that was me jus’ being me. Dumb!!!!