Life - A Potrait - Contd...(Part 3)

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We spent that night together. Driving around, stopping by road side restaurants, sipping tea at 3 in the morning at some local road side stall. We had the most fun filled evening. On sighting a tamarind orchard, we even sneaked into the orchard and plucked tamarinds. It was insane, but she was so much wanting to eat it, that for a moment we didn’t think what is right and what is wrong. I had never seen her this happy before. Screaming, jumping around, excited, adventurous, it was as if she was experiencing freedom for the first time in her life. The very sight of seeing her happy, used to make me happy.

It was the most wonderful 12-15hours of my life that I had spent. And so when the time came for me to drop her back at the airport it was most difficult moment as well. Again I never spoke a word as I drove her to the airport. Every now and then she would ask why I was so quiet and I would just dismiss it saying I am trying to concentrate on the road as I am feeling weary.

It was like an action replay. We arriving at the airport yet again, me dropping off her baggage, trying to convey non-verbally to her, to not leave. We didn’t speak a word, I smiled at her and just wished she would walk away before those tears would roll down my cheeks.

As she took her luggage and started to walk, she paused, looked back and then again began walking towards me. I was not sure what to expect this time around, as I stood there frozen in time.

“Sidhart, I have never had anyone who loved me so much in my life, and so when I think of it, I am the most blessed to have you in my life”

That’s when the first tear trickled down my eyes, as she continued

“Something’s in life are never meant to be. And that’s us.”

And then before she left, she said something that even to this day resonates in my mind.

“You know Sidhart, I am happy. Happy because I’ll never die. I will always be alive”

As I stared at her with a look of disagreement, she said

“The best way to stay alive is to be a writer’s muse…  “

And she continued “and everything you have written about me and will write about me in the future will always stay alive and that way I’ll live forever and everyone will envy me” and she left.

Tears fast started rolling from my eyes. Sneha didn’t know what to do. She came sat next to me and held my hand, trying to reassure that it’s still not all over.

This was my 12^th sitting with Sneha, my counsellor. Every sitting I would recall those wonderful moments with Ananya and speak about them at length. After Ananya left I was never the same. I even forgot my own smile, and I was just a living being going through life’s motions. I often felt death is easier an option than having to endure this persistent pain. But the irony of my life, my love for Ananya was so strong that I didn’t want even my death to take away those memories what Ananya had gifted me.

I still remember when I first walked into Sneha’s chamber for counselling, my only condition was she would never treat me for my condition, but rather just give me a patient hearing. For at no cost I wanted to let go Ananya. And being a true professional, she did exactly that. And it was Sneha’s idea that I pen this so that Ananya remains in my blog.

“The best way to stay alive is to be a writer’s muse…  “

Life - A Potrait - Contd...(Part 2)

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As I was driving back from the airport I was all grumpy. I felt if I had persisted a little longer, maybe she would have changed her mind. After all, we have been together a good one year, and it’s not so easy for someone to just walk away. I knew it was a reason she had chosen. She found a nice excuse to stay away from me, and in the name of career aspiration she chose to move to a different country. But I knew, it was not her aspiration. That was never her. This was her way of staying away from me. I was still finding it tough to digest the fact that she had decided to move away from me forever

Ananya’s call. I heaved a sigh. It must be her to tell me that she is done with her check in formalities.

“Sidhart, where are you?”

“I am almost home Ananya, are you done with everything”

“No!!! Can you come back, I have an issue. I cannot tell you on the phone, come back. I’ll be waiting for you at the same place you dropped me”

“Is everything okay? Tell me what happened”

“You don’t drive fast. I am fine. Don’t worry. Take your time. I’ll wait.” and she cut the call.

Don’t drive fast? I drove insane. I was thinking of the various things that could have possibly gone wrong and this was not the moment for me to respect traffic rules. Thanks to the cover of darkness, traffic violations are easy late night in this city. In no time I reached the airport and my eyes were quick to spot this woman, wrapped in her jacket who was sitting on her suitcase all curled up inside her jacket trying to beat the chill winter breeze.

Anyone else in her state would’ve been in tears by now or all tensed. But Ananya was different. A lady who always stayed calm and composed. She was always in control of the situation and I always admired her individuality. She was apt in handling all her problems.

I was not surprised when I saw her smile when I got down from the car and stared walking towards her. I guess all the anxiety was written on my face.

“What happened?” I asked

“Don’t scold me!!! It might sound careless. But not my fault Sidhart. I forgot my passport at my place”

“WHAT????!!!! I must’ve asked you a hundred times. You could’ve at least told me over the phone, I could ve gone to your place and got the passport”

“Ya right, and then I would’ve to come to the police station to bail you out for trying to break into my house. The key is with me Sidhart”

“Now what? We still have time, let’s try our luck”

“Don’t worry, I called up my travel agent and asked them to re-schedule the trip to tomorrow”

“But your money???”

“I thought you would be happy that I missed my flight, you are worried about money!!!!”

Careless people usually make me upset. Often felt she was someone who was never serious of life or anything in it. She was always someone who wanted to live every moment and believed in living a worry free life. I was the straight opposite of her.

As I was driving her back home,  I kept giving her a lecture on how careless she has been and how she could’ve avoided all this. She just kept increasing the volume of the song to avoid my nagging.

She knew how to irritate me and shut me. I gave up and we both didn’t speak a word

“Where are you taking me Sidhart, I hope you've no plans of kidnapping me and exploiting this situation?”

Seeing my silence she continued,

“See you didn’t want me to go, and that’s why I missed this flight. All this happened because you dint want me to go.”

By now she sensed she had succeeded in making me angry. But she also knew I would not react.

“Let’s go for a drive, take me somewhere far. I want to spend this night with you, just the two of us. I have my bags already packed and the best thing we don’t have to go back home also” and as she spoke she pulled out her passport from her bag and waved at me.

That was her. Who always threw surprises at me.

Ananya and I were two extreme personalities. We had nothing in common, except for the fact that maybe we found good company in each other and we filled each other’s emptiness perfectly. Though we were different we enjoyed doing things together. Though our relationship started off on the most unexpected of notes, it dint take long for it to flare up into a pretty intense relationship. So much so that we had even planned our wedding and had decided to spend the rest of our lives together.

(To be Contd.....)

Life - A Potrait

“Please don’t go, stay back!” is what I kept chanting to her all day. I was at my creative best giving her all possible reasons as to why she shouldn't leave. She kept laughing at my immature request and she in her style just talked me through it. I knew I was making a futile attempt, but don’t know why I kept trying. Trying to convince her not to travel. I have never stayed away from her in the last one year. But now when I look back it sounds foolish to me what I did that day. I was sure she would never cancel her trip.

She was as always in her witty best when she tried hard to distract my mind of her travel, and tried to divert my mind off her travel. As I helped her in her packing, she kept drawing me into different conversations, but somehow I felt like a visiting faculty who kept walking in and out of her conversations. My mind was very pre-occupied with the thought of her not being around starting the next day.

We hardly spoke on the way to the airport. We seemed like two strangers travelling together. Sensing my frame of mind, she too felt the best thing to do was stay silent rather than giving me an opportunity to start all over again. She had heard enough of it all day long.

We finally arrived at the airport. As I took her bags from the car and kept it on the trolley, she gave me that “Enough!!! Let Go!!! Smile please….” look. And I did precisely that. Of course I had never said a no to her previously, and how could I not listen to her. As she spread her arms, like a small kid I ran into her arms and cuddled her tight. With a small peck on my forehead she said “Don’t miss me!!! I will be fine. You take care of yourself!!!”

It’s been a year since Ananya and I have known each other. We met fortuitously. A dumb girl is what I thought of her when I first saw her. I was setting up my home and to fill up the emptiness at home I wanted to adorn the home with some art. It was in one such art exhibition that I met Ananya. Blessed with a pretty face she was any artist’s portrait. She was someone who was a perfect contender to become a brand ambassador of an energy drink. Dressed in a black saree, she was full of energy speaking incessantly to people who flocked around her. Animated she was, and expressive. There was an aura that surrounded her. For a few moments I was engulfed in that aura and forget about the very reason I was there.

After having spent well over couple of hours at the gallery, I finally zeroed in on two paintings. No particular reason that I picked them. As I approached the event manager about my decision to buy them, I was told that since these paintings were on display for the entire duration of the exhibition I will have to wait. They took down my request and I was given an address from where I could pick it up after a week.

Sometimes we feel the unexpected and the coincidental things always happen only in movies. And that’s exactly how I too felt when I walked into the office to collect the paintings that I had liked the other day. It felt like it was all scripted to perfection and Ananya and I were destined to meet. The paintings that I liked where all her piece of work. For a moment I was proud of my selection. But was it the painting that I was proud off or the painter? On learning about me and intention of visit, she was excited that I had actually bought two of her paintings and in that one was very close to her heart.

It took me a while to digest the fact that someone as pretty as her was actually an artist. We all have some preconceived notion of various professions and the people who work in those professions. Ananya was someone who proved me wrong completely. She was curious to find out why I had chosen her paintings and what was I planning to do with them? I told her I was setting up my home and felt her two paintings will add to the exquisiteness of my house. Being the lively person she was, she instantly volunteered to visit my home and help me find the best place for the two paintings. Seeing her excitement and eagerness I couldn't resist. I guess it’s always hard for any man to turn down a pretty woman.

“That’s how I met Ananya first, Sneha”

(To be Contd.....)

A come back post......

It’s been a year since I last wrote something for my blog. And by all stretch of imagination that’s a real long time. While many would mail me or during causal conversations ask me to start blogging again, I always kept giving lame excuses. One of my avid followers (I like to credit all my occasional reads as my avid followers) told about an interesting fact about my blog recently. She was narrating to me an incident of how she recommended my blog to her friend as a good read, and how instantly her friend reacted saying ‘that blog is full of pain and sorrow, nothing happy in there’. I actually laughed when I heard that comment. But then a serious retrospective of my posts and it’s nothing but true.

Each one of us need something motivating or a driving factor to be able to accomplish something. On most occasions it’s already something that is within us, but a small external catalyst helps us go that extra mile. I have been doing lot of writing in the recent past. I do a lot of creative writing for my uncle’s firm, help them in some real hard sales pitch and since it’s worked for them they keep coming back to me for all their prime clients. But all this didn’t require an external motivation for me. It’s my passion to write, and something that I am blessed with.

But when it comes to my blog, it’s different. I always look for an incident, a person who has touched me, has changed my life, and that becomes my motivation to write.

Happiness to me is best expressed in actions and something that needs to be celebrated. Often you will find many people to be a part of your celebrations and share your happiness and that’s a nice thing. But pain, sorrow, grief is something that we all hold back from sharing. For on most occasions we don’t trust people around us to understand us. And even more interestingly no one likes to hear sad things. But we all secretly wish, wish if he had a person with whom we can share our sorrow, our pain, and our darkest secrets and feel better. How often have you read a piece of article and instantly been able to relate it to your life? Just look back, you will never relate a happy article to your life, it’s often only your not so happy moments you relate with others and articles that you read.

For you to appreciate your life, you must go through pain. I often wonder what makes the mom-child relations so unique, why so much bonding. And that’s because it’s all the pain a mother takes and undergoes to bring the little life on this earth. Same holds good for any relationship. A relationship that has gone through pain will always survive the fiercest of battles. All it requires is patience. And in the end if your patience has not paid off, don’t give up. For the pain you have endured will make you a wiser person in life.

“I often wish I don’t wake up to see the sun rise tomorrow and I drown in this pain forever. But then I wonder what if you come back to me tomorrow? And I continue to breathe in hope” -fzl

Wish....

The picture above and the post below are totally non related. But yes both are pretty much what I miss!!!

Often we feel bad for people who shed their tears and we go all the way to comfort them and make them feel happy. I remember I am someone who often dons the monkey cap whenever someone sheds their tears. Generally I am good at making up people’s mood when they are low or sad. Often I am good at wiping someone’s tears.  Not as easy as it sounds, just a box full of tissues will not suffice; it takes a lot more than that. Basically that someone has to place their trust on you! And you need to have the heart to listen patiently and not be judgmental.

When I think of it, blessed are those who can cry without any inhibitions and let their feelings go. For ask someone who has just cried their heart out, their heart often feels light.

Cursed are those who cannot shed a tear!!! Often in life some of us are required to put a valiant face, laugh, go around playing the role of clown just so that you can bring a smile on the other persons face.  Not just that, you also know there are also a set of people who are waiting to feast on your tears and rejoice.
All along we battle with ourselves and each moment fight firm so that we can just hold back our tears. You long for a moment of solitude so that you can shed your tears in silence. But alas, you are so used to holding back your tears, that even in solitude your tear glands deceive you.

That’s when you silently wish, “Wish you could cry loud so that for once you can smile genuinely!!!”

A Confused Post.....

The most painful feeling in life is undoubtedly loneliness. Unfortunate is a person who is blessed with everything in life but always finds oneself alone, all alone.

It’s a nice feeling as I sit beside the window with the door ajar late in the night when the rest of the world is fast asleep. I hear the sound of rain outside; I sense the freshness in the air. I look besides me, and it’s a book that’s keeping me company since the last few days. I reach out; stretch my hand in the rain and rejoice the moment. As I stare into the darkness that has engulfed the night. I don’t know why there are these tears that make my eyes moist. Often my thoughts overwhelm my eyes, not sure if it’s the darkness that I am scared of or my thoughts that often drown me?

A Reunion.... Contd Part3 Conculding

Part1/Recap
Part2/Recap


The maid opened the door for us and told us the kid was fast asleep and the lady went into her room to sleep.

So she walked me to her room to show me her little princess who was all neatly draped with only her face left exposed. I badly wanted to hold her in my arms and hug her tight.

Seeing the anticipation on my face,

“I know what you are thinking! Don’t even think about it now!!! If ever she wakes up now, she will wake up the whole neighbourhood.”
On seeing me go pale and disenchanted, she continued.

“Okay.. You can give her a light peck. But please don’t wake her”
...
Not wanting to wake up the baby we stepped out of the room and she offered to make me a cup of coffee. We were always coffee addicts who would never turn down a coffee offer no matter what time of the day.

Her house being on the 18th floor I was standing out at the balcony and savouring the view, this is when she entered with the coffee.

“I do this every night. Stand here with my coffee till it’s very late night”

“It’s sure a great view you have from up here”

“I don’t stand here to enjoy the view; I stand here every night thinking about my daughter”

As I looked on, she continued
“I am scared. It’s really not easy being a single mom.  I’ve seen enough in the last couple of years. I was glad my parents were around, else I wouldn’t ve made this far. My little one is my forte.”

It was an uncomfortable moment; I sure wanted to know what had happened. But then I didn’t want to probe. I knew it was not the right moment either.
But she began to narrate her story as she stared hard into the distance. And I stood still listing to her misfortunes. At one point there were tears fast rolling from her eyes and this time around I didn’t stop her. I continued to listen.

Soon she broke down and leaning against the  balcony front railings she started weeping like a little one.

Now I knew from whom her kid had got the habit.

Not sure how to react, I had to first let go my inhibitions.

I slowly walked up to her and gently moved the hair off her face and slid it behind her ears. And it sure was not a pretty sight. As I quietly rested my chin on her shoulder from behind and tried to speak into her ears , she turned around and gave me that one tight hug.

I didn’t know what to say nor did I know how to console her. Usually I am good with words, but sometimes silence speaks a lot more. I just held her tight and that’s the best I could do. As she was still firm in my arms, all events from today started to make sense to me. I realized how scared she was in life and how insecure she felt at every stage.

It was one long night; we spent the entire night sitting in that balcony speaking in length about our lives. We also relished the beautiful sun rise early morning. In fact we were so intensely immersed in our conversation; we didn’t even hear the little one crying. The maid had to come around and let us know.

It was breakfast time and I was busy playing with the kid, while her mother was busy cooking breakfast for us.
This is when the maid came by and said
“I have never seen her so happy ever since this little one was born. In fact today is the first day she has even entered the kitchen to cook breakfast. How do you know her?”
I had to go around enlightening her of all things about me and us. And then once she had gathered necessary information about me, the maid left us alone. But she insisted I visit them more often going forward.

For once it was a nice feeling, that even I could be the reason for bringing back someone’s lost smile.

After our breakfast, it was time for me to take leave. I had for once forgotten that I didn’t actually belong or live there.

As I was about to take leave
“Can I ask you something?” she muttered.

As I raised my eyebrow and gave her that what is it kinda looks. I feared for a moment.

“Find someone soon. A person in front of whom you can cry and pout out your feelings. Else I fear I ll lose a good friend forever”

We both knew what she meant.

“And ya, please don’t stop blogging or writing. I always at least once a week visit your page.. Promise me you will always write..”

………
As I took leave that day, I decided I should pen this and so started writing. And so here I am sitting in front of my laptop with my coffee next to me as it rain outsides. And when those droplets of rain fall on me through the window I am reminded of her tears which are still fresh on me.